Faith from Jesus

I have a pretty weak faith.

I think most people who are honest with themselves would be able to say the same. Actually, what makes it even worse for me is that I'm totally prideful, which means I get anxious. Man do I get anxious! I'm so good at it sometimes it's like I do it for a living! So how do I connect pride to anxiety? Well, I've noticed both are always present when I look back over my short life. I can't think of a single time I haven't seen one without the other. There has to be some connection. And there is. What I've learned about anxiety is that it's simply me, planning to do the work God has set before me to do, and worrying that I'll fail because I am potentially not good enough to pull off whatever it is. In this particular scenario I've completely removed God from the equation, I've already resigned myself to failure because I've pridefully rejected His work through me. You would think that lack of confidence in ourselves would humble prideful people, but the lie is twisted even more when we start to think like the world and think that the amount of talent we have or work we put into something is directly proportional to our success.

In the scheme of things, so many of us have so little to offer. And that's a truth that can really lead to humility or pride: the difference is one ingredient. That ingredient is faith. Without it pride, anxiety and a whole bunch of failure awaits, with it, well, failure doesn't even matter then.

Faith will change your economy.

Once we grasp that, the danger is to fall back in the prideful trap and get anxious about whether we have enough faith. I've been there too. I wrestle every day to avoid that, and that's why I see humility and faith as byproducts of one another. The more dependent I become on God by pursuing humility, the less I am in the way of His work, and more can be accomplished through me as faith takes the place of pride. This thought is throughout the bible. One example is in John the Baptist's declaration that 'he must decrease so that Jesus can increase.' This eventually meant loosing his own disciples (John 1:35-36). John believed that Jesus was the Savior, he heralded his very coming. He risked all to proclaim fulfillment of an ancient prophecy, and most people thought him to be crazy. I think It could be said of John the Baptist that his faith was great, and he and his ministry were being transformed by that faith. So much so that after his death he was mistaken for Jesus by King Herod, who thought Jesus was his incarnation (John 14:1). As a minister I couldn't think of a much higher honor than to be mistaken for Christ by an unbeliever because of the similarities between our ministries. I'm also confident that John, were he still alive, would have cleared the confusion quickly (see John 1:19-20).

Unfortunately, I don't think many believers feel like John the Baptist, born with great faith in the work of God (after all, John was excited about Jesus' ministry, even in the womb). If you're like me, you wrestle every day. I've already alluded to my struggles with pride and anxiety, which I know I am surely not alone in. On my own power I struggle enough to barely reduce pride to make room for humility and see tremendous faith bloom in my heart. Luckily for us, there is a way!

Jesus runs across a man I identify much more with than John the Baptist in Mark chapter 9:

"And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. And immediately all the crowd, when they saw him, were greatly amazed and ran up to him and greeted him. And he asked them, “What are you arguing about with them?” And someone from the crowd answered him, “Teacher, I brought my son to you, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.” And he answered them, “O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.” And they brought the boy to him. And when the spirit saw him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. And Jesus asked his father, “How long has this been happening to him?” And he said, “From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” And Jesus said to him, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, he rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, “You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.” And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, “He is dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose." (Mark 9:14-27)

How often have you been the father in this story? I know I have asked God many times for something by starting with "if you can...", maybe not saying it aloud, but certainly doubting in my heart. But our God is the God who can do more than we ask or even think! (Eph. 3:20) That's amazing! We can't even think up God's biggest move! So understanding that, why do I live with weak faith? I think it's simply because I am too proud to ask Jesus to borrow his faith like the father of the boy. To admit weak faith is to admit dependency on God and thats just too hard because it means I have to be humble.

I have a number of friends who are overseas missionaries. Some of them really feel like America as a nation, is lost. And without a doubt we are lukewarm in our faith at best - speaking generally of the American Church of course. So my friends feel like they need to head to the places that, unlike America, haven't even heard the Gospel yet. And praise God that He sends these people out. Without a doubt, our country has a lot of broken churches. This has to be due, in large part, to an abundance of proud people. We've seen that God really doesn't choose to work much where there is a lot of pride. He passed over King Saul for King David because of this- and the only true legacy that lives on from those two is David's. So what would happen if as a whole, the American church in this generation set aside pride to make room for faith from Jesus? If we set out to leave a lasting legacy like King David? What would happen if all of God's disciples everywhere echoed the prayer of the father of the boy? "I believe! Help me in my unbelief!"

Revival is one of those over-used 'Christianeese' words, but it's the most fitting thing I can really think of.And that's just what I can think of. Eph. 3:20 tells us He can do abundantly more.

So dream big, because God will do bigger.

Jesus Wants to Redeem Christian-eese

Having been in the church for a while I've noticed we recycle a lot of the same phrases in our little cultural syntax. I know I've spent time making fun of a number of these phrases, and also have endorsed some of the phrases myself. It just seems to be a part of the culture we create as a people. I used to say "let's make Jesus famous" a lot. That was until someone pointed out to me that Jesus really was already famous. Very good point. Since then the jury is still out on that one. I know Jesus is already renown in heaven, and in most places here on earth you can at least get a 'Jesus is my homeboy' T-shirt. But there are still places in this world that haven't even heard his name. He's not famous everywhere, but at some point we know everyone will know his name and worship him.

The words and phrases we use tell a lot about us. I think the words coming from our culture in our church SHOULD demonstrate our hearts. Even if they come off a bit cheesy. I'll be completely honest, I have in the past had a very elitist attitude towards certain things about church culture. I have put down a lot of people for not being 'cool' enough in their approach to faith. God has corrected me since. As a matter of fact, if you want to think of your B-I-B-L-E as your 'basic information before leaving earth', I think thats great. That one was the worst I could think of. We slap a lot of stuff as Christians on bumper stickers that I cringe at. I won't lie. But like I said, the things we say, do carry weight.

I've had enough of this very popular trend among some Christians, mostly who are present on twitter and the blogosphere that love to make tongue and cheek remarks about the the faith of others, who are maybe a bit more 'old-fashioned'. These remarks are especially aimed at the people I will call the 'bumper-sticker' people, and come from the elitist wannabe mega-church/urban/hipster crowd. I can attest to this, because I often associate with this 'modern' church crowd. It irritates me a lot. It reminds me of the 7th grader that thinks they can postfix "just saying" on the end of everything they say and that somehow gives them a license to say whatever they want.

Seriously. Stop that. If anyone has enough time to over-simplify the innocence of someone's way of professing their faith through cultural statements developed in the church they have way too much time on their hands. Jesus was very sarcastic with people. But never faithful believers. Jesus made the practice of ripping a new one on the religious people a lot however - and some of the things I read these days are starting to sound pretty religious. Why attack positive church culture even if it isn't cool enough for you?

So what am I talking about?

Let's zero in. I have heard the phrase "sold out for God", made fun of a lot. Yes, it's over-used. Yes, it sounds ridiculous. Yes, Christians say it a lot.

But let's really think about this. Instead of poking fun at your inferior, small-baptist-church-youth-group-sophomore-student-standing-around-the-campfire-giving-his-testimony counterpart from your non-pew-seat-cool-lights-church-pre-service-iPad-tweetfest, maybe we could invest a moment to think what the church would look like if we really all got sold out for God.

In Matthew 13:44, Jesus tells a parable:

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."

This classic 'lets miss the forest and check out the trees' issue the is making the Church look really stupid these days. I think simply Jesus would love the Church to spend less time internally critiquing its cultural coolness (after all are we really still competing to be as cool as 'secular' culture?), and more time buying into his Kingdom with great Joy.

Mark Driscoll has said "salvation is free, but discipleship will cost you everything." Jesus doesn't give the example about hating even our families to pursue him in Luke 14 so that we will think that we only have to make capital expenses for the Kingdom, but we get to hang onto our meaningless trinkets. He uses such an extreme example, to show that we owe him everything to be his disciples. It's catch-all example. Surely if you can give up your family to Jesus, you can give up your cool Yes. Your cool. Jesus prayed that we would be one as he and the trinity are one (John 17:20-23). That was his heart. Why are we letting small costs get in the way of our unity. Why is our cool factor dividing his global Church?

I'm overreacting you say. In response to that I say every time you mock another christian for the way they speak about their faith you have driven another post in the ground for the fence Satan is building between different local churches.

For God's glory, let's get over ourselves and not continue to fragment the church in creating a sub-culture of Christianity that is presented as silly and juvenile. Who cares that there are people so excited about their faith they make their own catch phrases. I think it's wonderful. God's Kingdom is not coming while the Church remains fragmented. If we want to see revival in the American church, we need to start with looking at ourselves, the supposed pioneers of the modern church. Not everybody in the Church knows how to send a tweet. We have a lot of responsibility after all.

Moreover, instead of pointing our fingers at the 'wrong' way of doing church because it makes uncomfortable, lets invest that energy, like the man who bought the field with the treasure.

The Kingdom is too valuable.

Let's all get sold out for God. And let's talk about it. Let's even make it a part of our cultural language. Let's redeem that phrase. Let's make the overflow of our mouths tie back to our hearts.

For His Kingdom
Ben

The Death that Brought Life

Exactly six months ago, yesterday, to the day, I stood in the office of the church I was employed by to tend my resignation at 7 in the morning. I've told this story a lot since, now it's time to write it down. Where better to start than a blog no one reads!

Anyone who reads this who actually knows me, should know I'm just retelling what God has done for me. I'm not going to name any names or produce slanderous gossip. The only person allowed to look bad in this story is me. The only person allowed to look good in this story is Jesus. Here comes my un-adulturated, un-slanted re-telling. It's taken me 6 months to even understand what happened. Don't expect an inspirational teaching from the Lord, this is mostly something I want to offer to old friends as I re-establish relationship with them and to help fill in blanks for new friends. I hope this will be the start of new entries in this blog, and new discussions with close friends

That being said, I'm just going to download as much information from my head as I can to prompt those new discussions.

Here's the facts:

I was blessed to be employed as the worship leader at Church Relevant
I have never led such a faithful and gifted group of people

I was blessed to be a member of Then Came Morning, a worship band
I have never felt greater potential to serve God in any other ministry I've participated with

I had an idol issue.
This specifically surrounded a romantic relationship I pursued

No one can serve two masters, and I actively chose to be mastered by my idol instead of God

Because of this choice:

I disqualified myself from ministry,
abandoning the church body I was serving

I disqualified myself from my band,
abandoning the members of the band

I successfully avoided true accountability from the body of Christ,
thus becoming a liar

I actively chose to stop praying and reading the bible
I began ministering and leading worship without any Spiritual walk

I ignored the voice of God on multiple occasions to continue my sinful pursuit


The above was a very gradual process. It began late in may of 2010. I wasn't aware that it was even happening until January of 2011. By January, the slow leak of this process had taken it's toll and I could feel that I was very close to a final blowout. I remember just knowing that. I never stopped and said to myself that I had lost contact with my God at any particular point. But I could look back over time and remember a season when I wanted what I knew God wanted, and I knew that wasn't the case anymore. By January I knew I was in open rebellion. Emotionally, I was beyond feeling ragged. I was destroyed. There were times near the end of the year I wouldn't sleep for days at a time. I became dependent on sleeping pills to function. This started at first the way that medicine was actually intended, to help with occasional sleeplessness. Then I found myself taking higher dosages. Soon I would take the pills to endure any kind of stress. I had many difficult conversations with others under the influence of sleeping pills. Even the normal stresses of my part-time retail job had become too hard to bear without the help of pills.

As things fell apart with the thing I treasured most, I felt my sanity slipping away. I've always known I have a proclivity towards mental illness. I was treated for many years by a professional counsellor for depression that I had thought had subsided. But the further I ran from God, the more those things returned. Soon was I not only terribly depressed, but I was very, very angry. I was no longer submitted to the Holy Spirit and His control.

Then one night, I remember driving home, very angry. By this time I had become unable to stay afloat with my bills, my relationship was sunk and I was weary of living a lie to those around me in keeping up an image that I had an intimate walk with the Lord. I felt that any possibility of recovery was gone. The next night I was supposed to participate in a multiple-church night of worship. Something that months of planning had gone into. There has never been anything closer to my heart than seeing churches unite. But not even that mattered to me at this point. I began driving home about 2am. I had decided in that moment I had crossed the point of no return. So I began to drive very fast. It was raining that night. I thought to myself if I make it home alive I can go to sleep and figure out how to kill myself another time. I had never seen a cop on this highway, especially at 2am, and I had driven it many times.

Here's where the beginning of the story is. I came around a corner, passed a state patrolman, and was pulled over for excessive speeding. The officer threatened to take me to jail (I still don't remember how I got out of that). Naturally he gave me a ticket and sent me home. Following that, I made a phone call and the relationship I idolized was over. Everything I loved more than anything. Shattered. It's the weirdest feeling when everything you feel you were purposed for falls apart in one night.

Then the most amazing thing happened. God spoke. I remember learning about the 400 years of silence between old and new testaments when I attended Hillsong College. It was like hearing the voice of the Lord for the first time after centuries. His voice, so familiar, so easily identifiable. I had spent a lot of time in the past months, screaming at Him, cursing at Him, to no response. I thought if I could get God riled up enough maybe He would have something to say. And whenever he spoke, it wasn't what I wanted to hear, so I didn't listen. And then unprompted, in this great moment of loss, while things were so quiet, He chose to speak. He didn't yell. He just spoke. Simple and clear. "You're done Ben. You're benched." I had such an overwhelming sense at that moment that I could have been struck dead if I attempted to lead worship the next night. That sounds silly but it's true. In that moment when God spoke, I recognized the gravity of what I'd been doing over the last few months. I knew I had done evil, and that God was very offended. So I made the dreaded calls at 3 am. Some of you reading may have gotten the call. I resigned two jobs the next morning and was on a plane that afternoon. Short of a very jumbled explanation at an IHOP, the people closest to me never got a real explanation. Mostly because I wouldn't understand what happened until months later.

The following months were indescribably heartbreaking. I wept before the Lord on a daily basis. It took hours of counseling from professional advisors, church officials and close friends, 20 mg/day of Celexa, and some very determined prayer warriors to help me return to a functional state.

I never once ever felt abandoned by the Lord. His presence never left me. There were often days that I couldn't get out of bed in the morning and nights I couldn't sleep. I remember the plane ride home from NC, begging the Lord to let the plane drop from the sky. There were moments so painful I wanted to lay on the floor and die. Once I sat on the floor of my kitchen with a steak knife, determined to slit my wrists. But for every heartbreaking step of the process God apportioned the measure of grace I needed to walk through. I have never felt the healing, loving care of Christ like I have over this season. Is. 57:15 promises God's presence to the broken. And I can testify it's true. I've never needed Jesus so much. I used to need hope for the next year or the next week, but in the last few months there have been times I've needed the Lord to make it to the next minute. In the moments when my hopelessness and hurt became so tangible it felt like I could touch it, God became even more tangible. Let me tell you, He does dwell with the broken.

I really find it enough that God has spared my life. I really feel like I should be dead, either from my own actions or from my disobedience to the Lord. I wouldn't have been the first. I want to apologize to anyone reading this who feels like I have burnt the bridge of my relationship with them. I had to get low, and hide out and get close to God. I hope to see God redeem old relationships for His glory in coming days out of this sharing. I plan to tag many of you through twitter and email others a copy.

However, to my surprise, it isn't enough that God has saved my life. Not to Him. The last thing I expected at the end of this season is to find myself returning to ministry. But that's exactly what has happened. Early last March, after returning to Illinois I had to fight the hardest battle yet. I lost my passion. Literally, all that internal fire and love and desire for the church. Gone. Any ability to write music or create a song. Gone. Any desire to lead people and shepheard hearts. Gone. I've never endured something so heartbreaking. What I realize now, is that my passion actually died. It had to. Actually in this entire process, my whole self died. I had to. When my passion left me it felt like the final death rattle of a former life. I felt worth nothing, empty and dark as a grave, and surely having nothing to validate that I had created. All that was left was God in me. God who had saved me from death.

Anyone who participated in the worship ministry at my church will remember one of our pre-worship rituals. We would come around the stage to pray. When we ended, we would profess Is. 26:8 together saying "yes Lord, walking in the way of Your Word, eagerly we wait for You. Your Name and renown are the desire of our hearts." It always felt to me like we were declaring the importance of God's glory over everything else. That our deepest desires surrounded His renown. No matter what happened, we would glorify the Name. True worship always comes with an element of sacrifice. Sacrifice of service, sacrifice of pride, and in some powerful cases sacrifices of life.

So at the threshold of the understanding that my passion and a part of my past was dead, and that I may never again minister to the glory of the Lord, I felt like I was worshipping again. The sacrifice was made - and for some reason, probably just by ritual I thought about Is. 26:8 in that moment. About God's name, that even when I have nothing of value, I will make his name my heart desire, even in death.

That's when it happened. It was the final beat of the heart of the life I once lived. I died. This was God's plan all along.

John 11:1-4

Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.” When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.”

Like Lazarus, I feel like what I've gone through hasn't ended in death. We all know the powerful end of the story, Jesus' demonstration of compassion and power where he calls Lazarus alive from the grave, unafraid of the stench, commanding that the clothes of death be removed from him.

I have every reason to give glory to God. He has every reason to never use me again. I am so excited for the future. I know, beyond a doubt that God has a call on my life, that everything He has done, has been done for a purpose. One of the biggest reasons I'm writing this, is because I believe that the things God started while I was with friends in NC are not finished. It was an amazing honor to partner with so many people passionate for the local church. Without taking too much of a dive off the deep end, I still believe, with now a new sober mind and heart, that revival is headed for the church. That the present generation will change the Church forever.

By God's amazing grace, I feel that he has called me to still participate in that revival, regardless of past mistakes. He is blessing me by opening amazing doors. This fall I'll be attending Moody Bible Institute in downtown Chicago as a biblical studies major. There are amazing things happening here in Chicagoland and I feel called to be a part. Even as I type this, a conference of 15 thousand people is holding worship in the United Center. I absolutely can't wait for what Jesus will do here. My heart is burdened for the Church in Chicagoland. Something absolutely revolutionary is happening here. I know that I'm called to be a part. I wish I could record here some of the conversations I've had lately. I can't wait to see what God will do.

If you're reading this and you've prayed for me thank you so much. If you're reading this and we've disconnected, we need to reconnect. Send me an email, or text. Or I'll send you one, you don't know this, but I miss you.

Thanks for reading my story.

For His Name and Renown,
Ben

The Power in Pursuit

It's amazing how our culture can ruin the power of words. Take the word 'awesome' for example. We'll call anything awesome. I was having coffee with a friend one night, and as he and I were sitting outside some bro in a VW beetle started tearing up doughnuts in the parking lot. I remember realizing how I abuse the word when the first thing I said was "that's awesome." That's not awesome - that's stupid. A sunset is awesome, music is awesome, people are awesome.

I would suggest that the same thing has happened with the idea of pursuing something, specifically pursuing a relationship with Jesus Christ. There's power in pursuing something, it implies that we're actively attempting to obtain something. When we're in pursuit, there's forward progression, we're not waiting, not resting, not being distracted except from the goal. Nothing can turn us from our pursuit, nothing can remove our zeal. There's a desperation in the idea of pursuit, a sort of straining towards something. There's the feeling of risk - the potential that we may never actually reach our goal. Pursuit is all consuming.

I worry that my pursuit of Christ is reflective of the way I abuse the word awesome, that something once reserved for the extraordinary and set apart has become commonplace. When I set out to pursue Christ, I don't want it to be the same type of pursuit I have for other things like money, comfort or contentment, I want to strain and risk and be all consumed for the cause of Jesus. Even more so, there's only room for one object of pursuit in my life. To say I pursue Christ and at the same time pursue other things with equivalent or greater zeal is to be caught up in the sin of idolatry.

7But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. 8What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. 10I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Pressing on Toward the Goal 12Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Phil 3:7-14)

True pursuit of Christ means I must lay aside all preference, all desire, all hope for contentment in exchange for whatever He may ask me to do. I agree completely with Paul, that everything is loss compared to knowing Christ. I have decided to fully pursue Christ, not just a compartmentalized version of the things God has asked me to do where I have separated out the thing I desire to do from the things I'm uncomfortable with. I'm not at all comfortable with the idea to be honest. But I know after 20 years of pursuing contentment that the only way to arrive there is to pursue Christ - forgetting what is behind and straining for what is ahead.

Glory-Numb

I have a real problem. I'm glory-numb.

I have a second problem. I'm coining strange jargon.

But if you know me - you know made up terms come with the territory... Lately, I've been thinking about how different my relationship with God is from when I first became a believer. About two weeks ago a good friend of mine began his relationship with Christ right on the floor of our living room. It was amazing. This guy blows up the 'I'm pursuing Jesus' scale like it's cool. It challenges me as I'm in my own season of sorting my pursuit of Christ. There's just something about someone who is so absolutely consumed by authentically walking with Jesus that is infectious - and it's been infecting me.

As my friend is seeing everything in the light of Christ for the first time, I am realizing I've become accustomed to God. Everything he comes across in God blows him away! It drives him into worship! As the duality of God's transcendent and imminent character begins to click in his mind - that the very God who made a tree, who made him, longs for the purest, intimate relationship relationship with him - you can just see the worship begin to pour out.

This is why I say I've become glory-numb. I know this truth, but I haven't really allowed it to sink in like I used to.

And then I read this:

2The LORD is a jealous and avenging God; the LORD takes vengeance and is filled with wrath. The LORD takes vengeance on his foes and maintains his wrath against his enemies. 3The LORD is slow to anger and great in power; the LORD will not leave the guilty unpunished. His way is in the whirlwind and the storm, and clouds are the dust of his feet. 4He rebukes the sea and dries it up; he makes all the rivers run dry. Bashan and Carmel wither and the blossoms of Lebanon fade. 5The mountains quake before him and the hills melt away. The earth trembles at his presence, the world and all who live in it. 6Who can withstand his indignation? Who can endure his fierce anger? His wrath is poured out like fire; the rocks are shattered before him. 7The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him (Nahum 1:2-7)

I think there's something lost when we let our little finite brains give up on trying to grasp God's glory. After a while who pays any attention to clouds, much less recognizes that they are the dust of God's feet?

We'll never grasp the greatness of our God, but to allow ourselves to give up on trying to do so seems to rob us of whatever glimpse we may actually catch completely.

I know that all of this sounds like basic Christianity 101. And that's because it is. If there's anything I'm learning lately its that I have not remotely come close to passing basic Christianity 101. In my previous post about brokenness I talked about one of my favorite verses (Is. 57:15). What makes the truth of that verse so much more amazing if you're in a season of being broken like me - is if you can try to grasp how high and lofty the high and lofty One really is. A good place to start would be with Nahum 1. The very understanding that the One who can rebuke the sea and it will dry up, desires to literally dwell with me and revive my heart drives me into worship. It's that very same voice that calls us by a new name (Is. 62) and gives us purpose and belonging when we feel we have none.

Here's to redeeming our first love, again and again (and again, and again, and again).

Dying to Live

People will tell you death brings purpose in life. We have this short existence, therefore we're making the most of it while we still can. We live to die.

What's crazy is that when we're redeemed into the Kingdom of God, we live, to die, to live again. Just like Jesus did. I think many Christians, myself included quickly write off the fundamentals of our existence. Yes, absolutely, everyone knows about the focus shift that happens when Christ takes His rightful place as King in our lives. We receive eternal perspective - after all as Christians we're eternal beings living in battered sinful bodies that won't be worth anything after they disintegrate into dust. Everybody knows that.

But do we live it?

I've been reminded lately, that death precedes new life. I wrote last night about the season of brokenness I'm in. I've never been broken about things I've gained, only things I've lost. Honestly I'm not really driven to the throne of God when someone blesses me with a hundred dollars. I may go there to praise Him but I'm not driven there. But man, when I have only a hundred dollars in my bank account to live on for the next few weeks - I am with the Lord every shot I get. Death is loss. Loss is brokenness. I am mourning many deaths in my life right now. And that's fine. For three days the disciples and followers of Jesus had opportunity to mourn his death. That was all fine and good, but it surely didn't keep God from glorifying Jesus in His resurrection.

I think as Christians we do the same thing. I say 'Christians', but I really mean myself. A lot of things have been put to death in my life lately. I've been walking around with Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" stuck in my head for the last three months. Sometimes, with me at least, things can get so rough there's a certain point that I can't be upset anymore that they just become funny. So lately I'm pretty used to seeing things I care about fall to pieces, and there it is - that catchy little baseline from Queen starts to creep into my head.

I don't know what it is about this season but I have either had to put things that mattered to me do death out of obedience to the Lord, or even worse seen the Lord put the things I won't release to Him to death Himself. It's almost a daily occurrence now, I can look around my life and see all the bridges burning to the ground and it sucks. I mean it really hurts. But it's God.

God's people aren't supposed to live in a dying existence. They're called to live in a resurrection existence. Before you get the forest, the seed must literally die to birth a tree (metaphor borrowed from Louie Giglio). Death precedes life in the Kingdom of God. Wacko I know, but when has anything God does ever really made too much sense?

I really feel like with all the dying going on in my life, it's about time to stop mourning so I don't miss all the resurrecting that's about to go down. I'm working on my very own forest. At this rate it'll be monstrous. As a matter of fact I've answered my question from yesterday's post. When did I pray for all this brokenness? I remember now. I was sitting in the Phillips Arena in Atlanta GA, with 20,000 other college students and Louie Giglio got up on the stage and said "let's just all die!" That simple. And my heart hammered hard at his suggestion. Because I understood something I've forgotten in the midst of all this death, that something has to be dead before it can be resurrected. It's the same in our lives - let's just die so that God can raise us up, so that we can live in the resurrection life.

Gal. 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me

Col. 3:5-10
5Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. 7You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Brokenness.

I really blog just for my own benefit. I think it's great that ministers can reach out to their church during the week through the amazing integration of the internet into everyday culture with things like blogs, facebook and twitter, my good friend and boss Bryan Roberts (www.theylookliketrees.com) has an uncanny knack for it - but for me it's all about transparency, the opportunity to expose my weaknesses so I can make every effort for God to glorify Himself in them. Not to say it's not about transparency for others, but when I decided to blog about worship I made the decision that it would be an opportunity to show that worship leaders - professional worshipers so to speak - also daily struggle to turn what occurs for 20 minutes on a Sunday into a lifestyle. I've had some really amazing men of God come alongside me and instruct me while I struggle and wrestle my way towards a more effective worship ministry. If there was anything they all had in common it was their transparency. To the people they were leading, it was clear that they were real people, struggling with real things. And that made these amazing men into some of the best worship pastors, youth pastors, husbands, fathers, mentors and friends I have ever had the opportunity to meet. So in this season as I try to blog more regularly I'm all about transparency. Because I want the people I lead to see me as I am. That may mean a lot of doom and gloom posts ending in a refrain of joy and hope in Christ. Have you read the blog of one of the most talented worship leaders ever? His name is King David and I believe his blog is called the Book of Psalms. He has a lot of posts like that - and if I can emulate David I must be doing alright.

Here's what I'm learning lately. Brokenness is the number one occupational hazard of worship leaders. And I honestly mean that I'm learning it lately. I don't know why, because it seems like worship leader 101, and I've been diving into this stuff for a while. But without a doubt I'm just discovering it. See that's how God and I communicate sometimes. When He wants to teach me, I just talk over Him most of the time and after a few knocks over the head with Jesus' gentle 2x4 of instruction I finally get it. So bear with me as I'm on about knock six and finally coming to this revelation.

There's a verse that's stuck with me for so many years... brought to me by a great friend and brother in the Lord who's impacted me more than he knows. It's found in Is. 57:15

For this is what the high and lofty One says— he who lives forever, whose name is holy: "I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.

Now at the age of 15 when my buddy Nate shared this verse with me, I to this day still remember being amazed that there were actually people who read all the way through Isaiah to find nuggets of applicable truth for a hurting kid in need among all the prophetic nonsense. Honestly who had time for that? But that verse kept showing up in times of brokenness, of which I've had many over the years, and two things became clear.

1. God in his mighty, super-relational love has left his high and holy place to be with me. The One who is so transcendent beyond understanding is imminently available to me. Amazing.

2. If I'm broken, God is so near to me, that he literally dwells with me.

Now number 1 has so permanently messed me up forever. It is literally at the core of everything I know and believe about how we are to worship our God and it brings me to tears to think that we have the kind of King who is among His people, not far off or distant. It changes your perspective on worship because every moment wasted on something meaningless is a moment that could have been spent with the Creator of the Universe. Before Jesus became my High Priest, only one person, for all people, once a year could go be in the presence of God. Now with Christ as my High Priest God is immediately available all the time and desires to have an intimate relationship with me. It should make our heads hurt to think that the most important being, not just of all time, but actually the One who created time, wants the closest of relationship with us. That's just crazy, and will never ever make sense, and why try and make sense of God when you can just worship him instead.

Number 2 is the reason why I say brokenness is the primary occupational hazard of worship leaders. It's simple really - good worship leaders are the ones who've been with Jesus. They're the ones who so badly want to be in the throne room that they want to drag a ton of people with them. Broken people are near to God.

I would say God is pretty near to me these days. When I think back on the last three months of my life the amount of frustration, missed opportunities, insecurity, discontentment, tears, anger, and failure is overwhelming. I'm totally broken. I've done it all lately with God. I've cussed, wept, begged, bargained, threatened and pleaded with him to take situation after situation from me. No luck. God doesn't operate that way. He'll have His glory in spite of me.

I'm living Is. 57:15 right now. God has never been closer, and it honestly feels like I've never been more broken. I'm loving every minute of it. I know that somewhere along the line I prayed for this. I don't remember what it was, maybe I asked God to make me a better worship leader, or maybe I asked Him to give me opportunity to draw nearer to Him, or maybe I just asked him to keep me humble. I don't know what it was, but that particular prayer has surely been answered. When I invent the time machine I'm gonna go back and tell past Ben not to pray for that kind of stuff.

Psalm 143:11

For the sake of Your name, O LORD, revive me. In Your righteousness bring my soul out of trouble.

Glory to God.